Humor: Shopping at large chain DIY stores

I’ve been kept really busy at work for the last few weeks and I now find to my relief that I have a long weekend to kill, it’s still cold but April and spring are but a few weeks away and this usually sets me off on the ‘spring clean’ home improvement rampage, it’s a month of planning and preparation, Garden centres and DIY stores, bad backs and hammer rash. Still I’m nothing if not optimistic so on the first morning of my break I set out to the local ironmongers for the materials I need to erect a simple shelf. This local establishment is a handy stroll away and much more convenient than the 35 mile round trip to the nearest DIY superstore. So cheerily and with spring in step I stroll through the village and ponder the word ‘Monger’ where does it originate? You have your fish monger your ironmonger your well that’s about it really – what makes fish and iron so mongable and not other trades, why can’t we have a shoe monger or a second hand car monger? Why do only the purveyors of iron and fish get the title and what if you sold fish but your speciality was the Conger eel, perhaps you prided yourself with being able to supply the largest Conger eels on the market – would that make you the ‘longer Conger Monger?’ It’s a point to ponder. Finally I arrived at the ironmongers and set myself up for the usual belittlement these chaps love to inflict on the pasty faced DIY novice. I am greeted with the familiar suppressed smirk and roll of the eyes as I ask for some screws. “What kind of screws squire?” he asks loudly for the benefit of the rest of the shop. “Err” I shuffle and squirm looking about the shop for inspiration but take too long to answer which has him rolling his eyes again and wearily asking, ” What are they for?” Ah, I know this and quick as a flash I reply, “To put a shelf up with” This amuses him and his audience no end, people are taking mental note of the circumstances no doubt to regale the story to their pals in the pub later. The regulars at the Torch and Wicker man will be rolling in the aisles at my expense tonight. “What kind of shelf?” he said in an expectant way that had all and sundry holding their breath in anticipation. “Err, you know – a regular wooden thing on brackets – fits to a wall” This was Gold to the crowd who could contain their mirth no longer and let rip with snorts and such. He went on ” And what kind of wall are you fixing this shelf to?” which had someone turning down the radio so as not to miss a word of this double act.